


just take a look through my eyes

by intertwiningwords



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Artist Connor, M/M, Smoking, connor's kink is validation, idk what to even tag this lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-23
Updated: 2019-07-23
Packaged: 2020-07-11 21:55:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19935118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/intertwiningwords/pseuds/intertwiningwords
Summary: Connor and Miguel discuss how they see one another, compared to everyone else.





	just take a look through my eyes

**Author's Note:**

> idk what this is, it's 1:34 am, i did not edit this, please validate me

People didn’t hide their opinions of Connor very well. Usually, there was no outright harassment, besides the occasional comment or a stifled laugh if he stumbled over an answer in class.

Still, paranoia picked up on the smallest of things.

The way that freshman girl scooted her chair away from him in the library, or the whispers in the halls when he returned to school after he came back from rehab. He saw the looks in their eyes, on their faces.

It fucking _ hurt _ , he couldn’t fully shake that, but he could certainly pretend to not give a fuck. 

“If people from your school really knew you,” Miguel had once said, joint balanced delicately between two fingers, “they’d all like you as much as I do.”

Connor had smiled ever-so-slightly then, gave a shake of his head, and held his hand out for the joint. “I appreciate the thought,” he replied. “But I don’t believe you.” Then, he’d taken a long drag, feeling the smoke swirl in his lungs as relief settled over him, just a bit.

“You don’t give yourself enough credit,” Miguel said, scooting closer. “You think I’d spend all this time and weed on you if I didn’t think you were cool?”

“I can pay you back for this any time,” Connor replied, passing the joint back.

“You don’t have to, but that’s not the point. I’m just saying if people got to see the Connor that  _ I  _ know, they would too.”

And although he’d deny it, he felt his cheeks turning pink. “Don’t get sappy on me.”

Miguel grinned, slinging an arm around Connor’s shoulders. “Look, you’re blushing! Who woulda thunk that Connor Murphy blushed?”

“Shut up,” he groaned.

“If you insist,” Miguel said, taking another hit. “But do me a favor, if you won’t let  _ me _ compliment you...Tell me five things that you like about yourself.”

To say that Connor was taken aback would be an understatement. He’d never been asked such a thing before, and answers fell totally flat on his tongue.

Was there even an answer? He wasn’t sure.

“Um...I like that my eyes are sort of two different colors. I think it’s cool.”

“There’s one,” Miguel said happily.

Connor nibbled on his lip, thinking. “And...I guess I have a good sense of humor.”

“You do. Remember one of the first times we hung out, you made some joke about our science teacher and I literally cried laughing. You’re hilarious.”

Giggling at the memory, Connor continued. “I like my art. I don’t think I’m necessarily good, but I like it, and I don’t show it to anyone anyway, so it doesn’t matter if it’s good.”

“I bet it’s great,” Miguel told him, tone sincere. “If you ever feel comfortable, I’d love to see it sometime.”

Connor nodded. “Yeah, maybe...I can’t think of anything else.”

“Oh, come on! There’s gotta be more than that.”

He huffed, unsure if he was annoyed by or grateful for Miguel’s stubbornness on the matter. “I kind of like my hair. I know my parents hate it, so maybe it’s just that, but I also think that it just looks better longer.”

Miguel hummed thoughtfully, reaching to play with a strand of the aforementioned hair.

Well, that certainly wouldn’t help him think. He blinked a few times, trying to calm the internal gay panic down a bit, and took a breath. “I’m out of things to say.”

“Oh, fine, you get an ‘A’ for effort. I’ll gladly fill in the fifth with something that  _ I  _ like about you,” Miguel offered innocently.

Rolling his eyes fondly, Connor couldn’t even hide his slight smile. “Fine.”

“I need a moment to think, there’s just so many, I can barely narrow them down!”

“You’re gonna be the death of me,” he mumbled, hiding his face in the sleeves of his sweatshirt.

“You can’t hide from my compliments!” Miguel teased, poking Connor’s ribs. “Show me your face, I wanna see how red it is.”

“Okay, okay,” Connor laughed, batting the prodding hand away. “Happy now?”

“Very. Okay, so I couldn’t narrow it down to just one, so here we go: I think you have one of the sweetest, most contagious laughs I’ve ever heard, and sometimes I want to just google shitty puns and read them to you so I can hear it. I think your freckles are adorable, even though they’re super light, I notice them and I used to try and play mental connect-the-dots with them in boring classes we had together. I also think that you’re incredibly smart. You remember the smallest details that I wouldn’t ever think to know, and you read more books in a week than I’ve read in like, my whole life. You have so many amazing qualities, and it makes me sad that you don’t see them.”

Connor really, really tried to keep it together in that moment, and yet it was to no avail. A sniffle turned into full-blown crying, overwhelmed by kind words, especially from someone who seemed to so sincerely mean them.

Miguel wrapped his arms around his shaking shoulders, fingers running through his curls soothingly. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you emotional.”

“Don’t be sorry, I’m just being stupid.”

“It’s not stupid! You’re not used to compliments, and I just kind of piled them on you.”

The two boys laughed, Connor still teary-eyed, and pulled away from their hug.

Wiping his eyes on his sleeve, Connor attempted to pull himself together.

“Sorry,” he repeated.

“Don’t be.”

And then, as if it had never even happened, they went back to smoking, conversation drifting in an entirely new direction.

***

“If you still, uh...Last time you were over, you said you wanted to see my art. If you still want, I’ll show you.”

Miguel smiled, eyes lighting up excitedly. “Of course I still want to.”

It was the first time that he was sharing his drawings with someone since he was a child, putting monstrosities of Crayola on the fridge for all to see. 

It was mostly doodles, drawn in black ink rather than pencil, mistakes dark and permanent on the pages. There were some eyes, a few sketched hands, and several scribbled song lyrics on the first few pages, but as Miguel flipped deeper, he saw things begin to truly come to life.

A drawing of a faceless little girl with an umbrella, raindrops falling and spilling over the sides.

A skeleton with flowers growing in the empty spaces between bones.

And then, there were drawings of one boy, over and over, some of his profile, some facing the front, one smiling, one lost in thought.

“Are these me?” Miguel asked softly.

“I’m sorry if that’s weird,” Connor said quickly.

“Not at all. Wow...Is that really how I look to you?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean that I look...good. Like, you drew me way too pretty.”

“Nope, that’s just what you look like,” he replied. “At least, to me. I’m not good with words like you, but I guess me drawing you is my way of saying that I think you’re amazing.”

A smile curled on Miguel’s lips then, running his fingers lightly over the page.

“These are incredible.”

“Thank you.”

If other people didn’t think he was funny, or smart, or whatever, it didn’t really matter. Yes, it could still sting, but having someone, even just one person point out the good things...It helped.

Connor just hoped that his drawings could have the same effect on Miguel, show the things he found beautiful in the other boy’s face and mind, not with verbal compliments but through ink on paper, shapes, and lines, trying to say something akin to: “If everyone saw you in my eyes, they’d be as smitten with you as I am.”

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading!! feedback is always appreciated in the form of kudos or comments!!


End file.
